Losing My Religion

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The events of the past several days weeks have me listening to R.E.M.s "Losing My Religion" again. 
But, this ain't necessarily a bad thing.  I'm tired of the whole religion thing. [WARNING- RANT AHEAD]. 

This part of the song keeps cycling through my head:

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it

Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

I just can't keep up anymore. I've read tons  and tons of books on Christianity trying to make sense of it all. But, right now, I'm done with books on theology and I'm reading books on how to live a better life.  Trying to figure all this out just is too much for me:

• Atonement theory- why did G-d need to kill someone?  Why an innocent?  Why can't G-d forgive without blood?  Why does He ask us to?  Will I go to Hell if I get it wrong?
• Trinity- Is Jesus G-d?  Will I go to Hell if I don't believe He is?
• Faith versus Works- Will people be sent to hell because they didn't believe.  Or will they be sent to Hell because they didn't act? (the parables that are supposed to be about Hell are all about actions, not confessing Jesus with your mouth).  Why didn't Jesus tell any parables where believers who acted like selfish idiots all their lives ended up in Heaven while non-believing people who loved their neighbors ended up in Hell?
• Do you need to speak in tongues to show you've received the Holy Spirit?  It not, are you going to Hell?  Don't laugh.  A lot of people believe YOU are going to Hell if you haven't spoken in tongues.

And the list goes on.  But, you know what?  It's not these questions that have me losing my religion.  No.  Not at all.  Frankly, I'm fairly satisfied with the answers I have to these questions. Now, I'm able to move on to how do I live my life.  Maybe I'll come back to them.  Maybe I won't.  What has me losing my religion is the so-called "defenders of the Faith"  that keep telling me I don't have enough faith or I have the wrong faith.   I just can't take it any more.

What I've found is no matter how I answer these questions, someone is going to call me a heretic (not a "true Christian") and someone is going to say I'm going to Hell because I chose wrong.   Here's something even more amazing.  Even some Universalist Christians attack me and tell me I'm not a "true Christian" because I don't pass their true Christian test.  At least they don't tell me I'm going to Hell because I'm wrong. But, they don't hesitate to tell me I'm not a true Christian. 

If you think my experience is unique and no one's told you you're going to Hell or that you are not a true Christian, don't get all smug.  I guarantee you that if you exposed all your beliefs to the right people, you'd find some group or other (actually several) saying you're not a true Christian and that you're on the Highway to Hell.  Catholics think Protestants aren't true Christians.  Unitarians think Trinitarians are polytheists (not true Christians).  And, everybody knows the Mormons are a cult.  Those people don't even believe Jesus is G-d!

And, do you want to know the wackiest thing about Christianity?  That is besides the 30,000 plus denominations all telling each other they're not really the true Christians.  It's how we've gotten so brain-washed that we believe that when people feed us pure cow manure we think it's manna from heaven. The more illogical a concept, the more godly it must be.  I get this argument all the time.  A doctrine is so wacky and illogical that it would make normal people puke their guts out must be true because only G-d could come up with it.  Come on. G-d's mind is beyond ours.  His ways are above ours.  He didn't give us one type of logic and keep another type for Himself. Love is not hate in G-d's world. There is no darkness in G-d. I'm told that in the inscrutable mind of G-d would killing the innocent to satisfy the punishment of the guilty make sense.  In the mind of G-d, the smallest offense deserves a lifetime of Eternal Torment.  In the mind of G-d a creature that is made in imperfection with no hope of ever living a sinless life actually deserves torment for not doing more than it was created to be capable of doing. Asking me to live a sin free life or face eternal torment is like throwing a dog off a building and saying "Fly or die."   If a human did these things we'd not only call them illogical, we'd call them evil. But, black is white when it comes to G-d.  If the foolishness of a doctrine makes it more godlike how about this one?  At the end, G-d pulls a switcheroo and sends all the Christians (who lived good lives and believed all the right things) to Hell and all the non-believers and murderers to Heaven?  How's that for inscrutable?  What you don't like that?  How about G-d kills an innocent man and uses His blood to wipe out the debt of all the guilty?  Oh, wait.  You do like that one.

In case my pastor is reading this and is worried about me, I said I'm losing my religion.  I'm not losing my faith. I've found a remnant in Christianity that has given me meaningful, satisfying answers that are consistent with what I know to be the character of G-d.  More importantly, they've given me the room
to ask questions, to say "I don't know" and to even be wrong.  I love Christianity (as I understand it).  My faith remains strong.  Stronger in fact than it has ever been.  I've never had so much faith in G-d's person or Her nature. I've never had so much faith in G-d's inescapable love for me.  I've never loved Jesus more (I'm not in love with Him though- sorry Jesus).  I'm eternally grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for me.  (I'll write more on the foolishness of the cross later).  I've never been more secure in who am and and in who G-d made me to be.  I've never been more happy in a church than in the one I'm attending now.  But, I'm pretty much done with religion- as a system.  I am done with trying to be anyone's "true" Christian.  So, I'm not a true Christian. I really don't care anymore.

Christians love to say "I have relationship, I don't have a religion." There's only one word for that. I'll keep it rated G and say "cow manure". Christians are the most religious people on earth. (Allow me to paint with a broad brush here.  This is a rant after all).  Christianity has become a confusing maze of contradictory beliefs and practices that no one could possibly navigate.  Many Christian churches have more laws than the Jews could ever have dreamed of (don't wear this, don't drink that).  Not a religion!  Please!  There are some shocking statistics (shocking to some I guess) on how few people convert to Christianity as adults.  Most convert to Christianity as teens. Before they think critically.  For every year after the age of 25, the chances of becoming a Christian fall exponentially.  Read that again.  If you haven't become a Christian before you're 25, chances are you won't.  That used to shock me.  Not any more.  The older I get, the more I understand it.  If someone had presented all this to me in my mid-20s I would have told them, please pack up all you your Chick tracts and peddle this nonsense to someone else.  Given all the contradictory, illogical, exclusive and downright disgusting things being thrown around by the "defenders of the Faith", it's no wonder that thinking adults run away from them in droves. Thinking, feeling people exposed to these ideas as adults are repulsed by them.  If it were possible those "defenders" would have destroyed my faith by now. Thank G-d He has a firm grip on me and my faith.  But, I'm quickly losing my religion.  And I'm just fine with that.

Peace,
Brian

My Favorite Freedom

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As I've been more fully embracing Universalism (and really the awesome love of G-d), there have been many freedoms that I've come across.  Many accuse Universalists of being licensors of sin.  By declaring that G-d will ultimately reconcile all to Herself, somehow we are also saying "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you'll be in Heaven, no matter what!".  I'm not going to address that right now (been there, done that and I'm sure I'll have to do it again).  What I would like to talk about is what may possibly be my favorite new found freedom. The freedom to be wrong!

Galatians 5:1 says:

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery

However, I think many (most?) Christians feel enslaved to something (actually usually to several things). But, one of the biggest entanglements for me was the need to be right.  I was taught that G-d had indeed saved me.  But, He was only able to do it because I was fortunate enough to have gotten the plan of salvation perfectly right and had taken the exact right steps.  Talk about a narrow road.  To be saved one had:

• to be baptized the right way (dunked- not sprinkled)
• have spoken in tongues (the sign of the infilling of the Holy Spirit)
• been baptized in Jesus' name (not the Father, Son and Holy Ghost)
• and stay on the narrow road (backsliding was a sign you had never been "saved" in the first place).
  
  • Evidence of backsliding included:  smoking, drinking, cursing, watching the wrong movies, hanging out at the wrong places, wearing makeup (for women), wearing pants (for women), dancing, etc., etc.   

While people in my church didn't go around saying everyone else was going to Hell, it was certainly implied. Not many people could live up to these standards.  We didn't actually hate Catholics for example, but everyone knew they were not real Christians.  Converting a Catholic to true Christianity was a victory (and probably saved them from the flames of Hell).

I felt tremendous pressure to "get it right".  After all, my eternal security was resting on the decisions I made. Supposedly having this decision in my hands was supposed to make me feel good. The opposite was true for me. It made me extremely jittery and tremendously insecure.  I would literally have given anything not to have been cursed with the burden of being responsible for my own salvation.  That included my life.  I would have given my life.  I often wished I would never have been born.  And, if G-d would have given me the option of annihilating myself, I would have taken it in a heartbeat.  I knew I was not good enough, strong enough or wise enough to navigate my way to salvation and I was completely despondent because of that knowledge.

A side effect of this need to get it right and worshiping a god who places this burden on us is one that many people don't see while in it.  It can be subtle.  But, once you get out from under it, it becomes more obvious to you.  We become like the god we serve.  If we serve a god who is a demanding perfectionist, we become a demanding perfectionist, demanding perfection not only from ourselves but from others.  If G-d will damn a person to Eternal Torment for eating the wrong fruit from a tree (which Genesis never even implies She does.  But I digress), what should we do to a person who actually commits a crime like theft or rape or murder?   The idea that the smallest offense deserves eternal punishment makes the judgments we put on each other pale in comparison.  If we serve a god who judges this harshly, we are going to judge ourselves and others in the same way.  We take this demand of getting it right when it comes to eternal salvation and begin to apply it to everything in life.  Getting it right become the most important thing, not  living, experiencing, trying, failing and doing it over again.

I am so grateful for the freedom to be wrong.  I think of all my new found freedoms, it's the most precious to me. I engage in a lot of debates on various message boards on the Internet.  One thing I've been observing lately is just how closely people identify with their ideas, beliefs and actions.  Attack their beliefs and they think you are attacking them personally.  Criticize something they've done and you'd think you had taken out a gun and shot them.  On one of the boards I'm on, the topic of attending church comes up all the time. Some of us are for it and some of us are vehemently opposed to it.  What I find fascinating is how whenever we are discussing something like this how people feel personally attacked when someone else says that their opinion is different.  People seem to have a need to feel that others approve of their actions and beliefs.

The idea that all of our beliefs and actions are us; and that we have to have them just right is an idea that makes us ever defensive of the beliefs we hold dear and the things we have done.  We feel we must defend them to the death because they are us and we have to be right.  There are two errors here.  One is that we are our thoughts, beliefs or actions.  Mindfulness practice is helping me sort through this.  I am not my thoughts.  My thoughts are something I have.  They come and they go.  I am not my emotions.  Emotions are something I experience.  They come and they go.  I am not my beliefs.  Beliefs are something I hold.  I hold them loosely.  They come and they go.  By making this differentiation, I can more easily accept it when someone attacks my beliefs or my actions.  I don't take it as personally.  I don't have this down perfectly yet.  I still get upset when my wife points out a mistake I've made.  I can feel my blood pressure rising, my chest tightening, my voice raises and I prepare to do battle to defend my honor.  Sometimes (more rarely), when someone attacks my beliefs, I go into defense mode (I'm better about that).  I still identify too closely with my actions and beliefs.  But, even when I do make the mistake of identifying with them too closely, I have a second way out of this.  I now have the freedom to be wrong.  "So, my beliefs are wrong.  So, what?  It's no big deal.  If I need to change them, I will.  If I get them wrong, I'm not going to Hell for it.  So, I did I something that I shouldn't have done.  I made a mistake.  Please forgive me.  But, I don't have to be right all the time."  It's so nice to be able to say that!

Another thing a belief in an all-loving G-d who has already taken care of our salvation does is it allows me to free others to be wrong, too.  Again, this is a work in progress.  So, Ty, if you read this, I'm not claiming to be all the way there, yet.  Just like a belief in ET spills over into every day life, the belief in a G-d of many chances spills over into everyday life.  I am more patient with others because I know G-d is so patient with me. I am able to forgive others their missteps because I know they are not their actions or even their beliefs.  They are a beloved Creation of the Father- no matter what they say, think, do or believe.

Right now on my message board I'm getting a painful example of what it's like when someone needs to be right, at all costs. I'm seeing both sides of this.  I say painful because I can see the attacker is hurting.  I can see the pain he's causing to some of the members of my board.  And, it's painful to me because I'm trying to figure out the best way to deal with it and struggling. We have someone who has infiltrated the board and is attacking everyone, including me. I'm not sure what this guy's agenda is.  He is attacking without provocation and with baseless accusations.  I'm seeing how ugly it is when someone thinks he is the holder and the defender of all Truth and needs to help G-d get it out to the rest of us knuckleheads.  Unfortunately, I'm also seeing that some people on the board are not able to withstand his attacks because he has attacked their past actions (affiliations with certain organizations) and their beliefs as being heretical.  Ironically, this guy says he is a universalist.  The other day he said I'm not a real Christian (not the first time I've heard this).  I'm happy to report that my heartbeat did not even pick up when I read this.  So what?   No big deal.  Even if he were right, it doesn't change who I am or my relationship with G-d.  Because of my freedom to be wrong (which  I don't think I am BTW), this stuff rolls of my back like water off of a duck.  Thank G-d for the freedom to be wrong.

Peace,
Brian

Virus Alert

HEALTH ALERT -- DANGEROUS NEW VIRUS

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take  two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer- Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

The Bungles Are Back In Town

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a picture of my Tuesday Morning Quarterback chair. I sit firmly seated in it now and declare that the answer to the question I posed "Are the Bungles Back?" is an unqualified "yes".  Let me tell you why.

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It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the Pats are a better team than the Bengals. 50 states out of 50 picked them to win.  Even all the pin-heads on Monday Night Football picked the Pats over the Bengals.  But, in a game where the Cards beat the Steelers, the Browns beat the Ravens and Auburn beat Florida (I know it's college) all in the same weekend, there is a reason they play the game.  The Bengals had a shot at knocking off New England and they blew it.  My confidence in Marvin is beginning to wane.  The Bengals had a lousy game plan.  The Pats averaged 38 points a game coming in.  That's against normal defenses.  Our defense was no good before the injuries.  With just four healthy linebackers on the roster going into the game, how did we possibly imagine we could hold them to less than 38 points?  So, how many points would it take to beat the Pats?  A first grader could tell you we had to put up 39.  So, why come out in that conservative offense trying to establish the run?  Why not more throws to Ocho-Cinco and T.J. early? We had to take chances to have a chance at winning this game. A conventional game plan with that banged up defense and New England's stellar defense was not  going to get it done.  We needed to roll the dice, early.

OK, so that's the game plan.  Then there are the mistakes.  The interception at the end of the first half was a game breaker. Going into the locker room down three would have been a huge moral victory.  After listening to all the praise lavished on the Pats before the game by the "pundits", I was ready to turn the channel to Prison Break and save myself the trouble of watching what was clearly going to be a good old fashioned butt-whooping by the Pats.  But, the Bengals' defense held their own.  The frustrating thing about this team is that on the rare occasion where the defense does step up, the offense seems to go away. The Bengals could have and should have put up 35 points last night.  Penalties and mistakes once again killed us.  Zero penalties in the first half and eight in the second half (five in the first 10 minutes of the half).  Two interceptions by Palmer.  When this team has to play flawless ball to beat an opponent that clearly has us outclassed, we just can't step up.

Just three games into the season, my 8-8 prediction is looking like a long shot.  We are now 6-11 for the last 17 games and I think 1-6 for the last 7 (or 1-7, I can't remember exactly).  This is not acceptable football for a team that was good for a minute.  Right now, we are not a good team.  I know we're hurt. But, that brings up another point.  Is anybody looking at the Bengals conditioning?  We had a linebacker get hurt last night on a play where he didn't even hit anybody.  Hamstrings, groins, Achilles tendons is anybody stretching? What happened to the Yoga instructor? The frustrating thing is not last night's loss.  I don't think anyone would have been surprised at the beginning of the season if told this team would be 1-3 after our first four games.  You probably would have assumed Baltimore would shut us down in the first game, we'd throttle Cleveland, Seattle would light it up against us and the Pats would blow us out on both sides of the ball.  None of that happened though. What's frustrating is the way we lose games.  We pulled out the Baltimore game. But, we gave the Seattle game away with mistakes.  We had a good chance to give the Pats a run for their money last night and just didn't get it done.  I have to give the team credit for playing as well as they did last night.  The defense really stepped it up.  But, overall, we just didn't get it done again.

My buddies last night wanted to pick a back up team; a second team to root for.  I'm not doing it. I'm sticking with the Bungles till the end. The bye week is coming at a great time.  Maybe we'll get some players back.  All-in-all 1-3 ain't that bad given our early schedule. We're just a few plays from reversing that number.  But, why do those plays seem to  elude us?



p.s.- thanks to having to listen to the drivel about the glorious Patriots for an hour last night before the game, they are now officially my most hated team in the NFL.  I will root for anyone over the Pats, including the Squealers.  I thought Tony what's-his-face was going to run down to the field and propose to Tom Brady.  It as a love-fest I was not enjoying at all.



p.p.s- There, it's all out of my system now.  Let's hope we can go 3-1 in our next four games and get this season back on track.