Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Still a scared little boy in there

ScaredImage by Capture Queen ™ via Flickr
This past Sunday at Nexus was "lay Sunday" (another term for the pastor's vacation and we didn't have substitute).  It was actually really cool and, after having read "Pagan Christianity?" reminded me of what the early church might have been like before there were professional clergy.

As part of the service, three of us were asked to share our thoughts on following Jesus.  I told my story which everyone who has known me for any length of time is probably sick of hearing by now.  The story of how I was terrified into following Jesus at an early age and my fear of a god who wanted to torment me for all of eternity.

What I realized through this experience is those scars that I have tried so hard to recover from are still there.  Almost a decade ago I went through spiritual counseling that helped tremendously.  My counselor helped me see that the debilitating panic attacks I had been having for about 30 years at the time stemmed from a negative self-image and a negative image of G-d.  Since that time I have been working on correcting both.  But, at times I'm reminded I still have more work to do.

Before I stood up to speak, I had the thought (again) about dying suddenly in church.  This is a fear I've had since I was a child and I guess probably is related to the fact that it is what happened to my grandfather- not the one who was a preacher.  One day he was visiting his home church in West Virginia, stood up to give his testimony, had a heart attack and I never saw him again.  It wasn't too long after that that I began having panic attacks and they started in church. 

I tried to set that thought aside and stood to give my talk. But, about half way through, as I told my story again, the panic welled up in me.  I realized I still have this fear of a venegeful G-d just waiting to strike me down.  In spite of my intellectualizing and my meditation and my yoga and my counseling, that scared little boy is still deep in there and I guess may always be.

All I can do is continue to try to recover.  It's disheartening to know that after so many years and so much work, I haven't been able to completely undo just a few years of damage planted deep inside me at such an early and vulnerable age.  I don't hold any animosity for those who did this to me.  They were doing the best they could. But, I will do everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen to any more children.
Here are the remarks I gave:

What It Means to Follow Jesus
I would guess that following Jesus, for most people, was a choice they made at some time in their lives. I, however, cannot remember a time before I began following Jesus.  As soon as I could understand language it was made clear to me this was the only choice I could make.

I am the son of a son of a preacher man.  I was in church from the time I was old enough to leave the house.  I was told that I was born alienated from G-d.  A god who would torture me for all eternity for having been born the way I was born. My only hope was to follow His Son-Jesus.  So, that’s exactly what I tried to do.   Jesus was my protector, my protector from God.

The way following Jesus was described to me was a rigid list of “don’ts”.  Not do’s and don’ts.  But, don’ts.  Kind of like the 10 Commandments- “Thou shalt not...”.  Strangely, most of the things I was told I wasn’t supposed to do, I couldn’t do as a five year old anyway.  No drinking, no smoking, no cussing, no dancing, no gambling, no going to the wrong movies.  So, in a way, following Jesus in those early years was pretty easy.  I felt like I was a good follower.  The things I could do to break the law I didn’t do much.  I never stole.  I hardly ever lied. But, my teachers were there to make sure I never got too comfortable.  No matter how I tried to follow Jesus there was always some “sin” I had committed.  And, I was told, most of the sins I committed I wouldn’t even realize I had committed.  The wrong thought was a sin, even the wrong attitude was a sin. Part of following Jesus was confessing and repenting of these sins daily.  And, for good measure, confessing any sin I hadn’t thought of. Any unconfessed sin was a sin that would be held against me.  Any sin was enough to send me off to eternal torment because no sin was any better than any other.  A little white lie might as well have been murder.  One of the few “do’s” on the list was I had to love G-d.  I was told I had to love G-d, a god I was absolutely terrified of.  That was hard.  But, I tried.  I would realize later it was impossible So, in that way, following Jesus was terrifying.  Following Jesus was exacting and grueling.  God demanded perfection.

After several years of this exhausting way of following Jesus, I gave up.  I knew I could never live up to the standards they had set for me because the only standard that was acceptable to G-d was perfection and I was far from perfect. So, I dropped out of church and just forgot about it for a while.  I guess if you asked me during that time if I was following Jesus, I would have said “Yes”.  But, I wasn’t really sure what it meant anymore.  Christianity had lost its meaning.

A few years later, following Jesus began to change for me. I realized God (and Jesus) weren’t primarily interested in every little infraction of their code.  I realized that G-d was not sitting on His throne waiting for me to screw up so He could zap me.  God was actually on my side, too.  Not against Jesus and me.  I realized that when Jesus said He came to bring life and that more abundantly, He meant exactly that.  Life, not this living death of trying to follow an impossible code.  Following Jesus became more about what I should do rather than what I should not do.  Following Jesus became about serving others.  Following Jesus became about becoming involved in justice for the poor and the oppressed.  Following Jesus became about self-actualization and living an abundantly full life.  Following Jesus turned from an obligation done to avoid punishment into a joy done out of gratitude for a G-d who made me in His image and who loves me unconditionally.  Even though this way of following Jesus is more difficult in some ways, it’s far superior in my mind. 

How is it more difficult?  I could always do more.  It’s easier to not drink alcohol or to not cheat on my taxes, than it is to be a “generous” person.  How do I define generous?   How much giving of myself is enough?  But,  this  way of following Jesus is life-giving rather than life-robbing and I am glad I found it.


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Monday, June 28, 2010

My First Week with P90X

Insanity-Before-and-After-2Image by BrianWestChest via Flickr
I finished up Insanity at the beginning of the month.  After a two week break, I decided to start P90X.  These are my initial impressions with P90X.

The warm ups with P90X are really warm ups.  Tony Horton is a hyperactive, mad man.  But, P90X goes at a much slower pace than Insanity.   Tony talks incessantly.  But, he's a pleasant enough guy and his chatter keeps me from getting bored.  You're doing set after set of lifting.  So, I kind of enjoy his keeping it light.  I was worried about how he'd be as a yoga instructor  But, he was was able to bring it down for yoga.   Insanity is like a sprint (a LONG sprint), while P90X is more like an endurance race.  P90X workouts are much longer than Insanity workouts.  I found myself at the beginning of P90X routines thinking "Oh, this is easy.  I could do this all day."  But, by the end, you feel you have been doing it all day and are pretty spent.  Even in the first week, most workouts are pushing an hour and a half if you count the Ab Ripper X routine that is a 17 minute add on on the days you're not doing cardio (three days this week).  So, while Insanity requires a greater commitment of body and mind.  P90X requires a greater commitment of time.  P90X has a lot more strength training and requires weights (or bands) and a pull up bar.  P90X also provides more variety.  That's great for those who are bored easily.  While Insanity is fantastic for cardio fitness, flexibility and core strength there's not as much of the bulking up exercises.  Shaun T. does a fantastic job of getting the most out of using just your body.  But, without weights or a pullup bar there is only so much you can do to bulk up.  OTOH, the "classic" P90X program is light on the cardio work.  There is also a lean P90X variation that concentrates more on cardio.  You take the same 12 disks and just do a calendar that involves more cardio.  There is also a doubles program which gives you both.  What is does is add a cardio routine to most days of the classic program that are missing cardio.  But, now you're talking about some really serious time working out- over two hours a day.   

I'm doing the classic program.  This week had 3 days of strength training working on chest & back, shoulders & arms and legs & back.  It also had 2 days of cardio (Kenpo and Plyo) and a day of Yoga which is both strength and flexibility training. For those who like variety, P90X is the way to go.  Pretty much every day of Insanity is cardio (some days more intense than others).  The Yoga X workout was the most difficult yoga class I've ever taken and I've taken a few fairly advanced classes.  You work up a good sweat doing the yoga class.  The plyo workout wasn't as intense or as jarring as Insanity's version.  But, it was good.  One of the things that's great about it is, for those with joint problems, you don't have to figure out how to modify the moves.  There is someone showing you the modified moves on the DVD.  On the strength training days, if you have bands instead of weights, someone shows you how to use the bands.  If you don't have a pullup bar or can't do pullups, someone shows you how to use bands instead.  Kenpo X was my first experience with Kenpo.  I really didn't think I'd be able to get a good cardio workout by just punching and kicking.  But, man, I did.  Kenpo X was actually a lot of fun and I can't remember the last time I said that about an workout.

Today starts week 2 of P90X for me.  So far so good.  The only problem right now is I'm too weak to do any great number of pullups.  But, hey that means more room for improvement.  Right? 
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Accepting Impermanence

IMG_2905

I almost titled this post "embracing impermanence".  But, I quickly realized I'm just not there yet.  Accepting it is the best I can do.  Friday we took a trip to Springfield for Ty's family reunion.  It was just over a year ago that we were there visiting and realized that it was time that we had to put Pops in a place where he could be taken care of.  The Alzheimer's had progressed to the point where he had completely broken with reality and was becoming a danger to himself and others.  Thank G-d, we found Kenneth and Joyce who have been angels ministering to him and to Ty's family.  In spite of the fact that he can no longer walk on his own, feed himself and rarely speaks, Joyce has said that she would like to continue to take care of him as long as possible and has even volunteered to lower her fee so that he can stay there longer.  We were getting concerned that he was too much for her to handle.  But, she says it's just the opposite. She says that since he's no longer mobile and sleeps most of the time, she can handle him.
I've only been to Springfield once since Pops hasn't been living there.  After 23 years of visiting the house Ty grew up in, it's just weird to go there and have him not be there.  I look around at his stuff, which is less than it was as some of his tools, etc. that he'll never use again have been sold.  The ashtrays are gone.  The smell of his pipe is gone.  Alzheimer's is such a cruel disease.  In so many ways, he is gone.  But, his body lingers on.  
Margaret is probably doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.  She has lost/is losing her companion of over 50 years. I don't know which way to put it.  Past tense- she has lost him.  Or present tense- she is losing him.  People tell her to move on.  To go on with her life.  But, how does she do that knowing that he' still alive? They were one of those old fashioned couples. They were two halves of a whole, each living lives that would have not been complete without the other. They were completely codependent.  That's a bad word in today's culture where we're supposed to be independent.  Or maybe even interdependent.  But, they took care of each other.  Each specialized in his or her work and there wasn't a whole lot of overlap.  We often talked of how lost her father would be without her mother since he had no clue how to do laundry, cook or do any of the tasks she did.  I don't think I ever saw the man even make a sandwich for himself.  When we got together for meals and the buffet was laid out, he'd sit in his chair and place an order for what food he wanted.  But, there was no resentment from her.  She was glad to serve him.  They served each other.  Now that that is gone, she struggles to fill in the gaping holes left by his absence.  And, she feels guilt knowing that her role in taking care of him (she used to even iron his sock) is being fulfilled by someone else.  It's not just chores though.  They were best friends.  Every evening, weather permitting, they'd pull their chairs out into the driveway and just sit and talk as the sun set.  They'd watch the ever-increasing number of cars drive by on Lincoln Park Road and wave.  When they moved to Lincoln Park Road, it was way out.  Now, every time we go to visit there are more and more cars on the road.  More and more houses.  Nothing stays the same.
Margaret is talking about selling the house next spring and moving into an apartment.  How weird that must be to hear for Ty and her family.  It's weird for me.  As we were driving back to her house from the reunion Saturday, I looked around at the landmarks we've come to know.  Fred's (a kind of general store), the IGA.  How many more times would we drive past these places?  I told the girls to try to remember what things are like there because Springfield reminds me of Gary, WV where my mother grew up.  I used to visit there as a child and have fond memories of being able to walk anywhere in town from either my grandmother's house or Aunt Dorothy's.  But, when my Aunt Dorothy passed away (the only sibling of my mother who stayed in Gary), I never went back to Gary again. 
To make things even more difficult for Margaret, she and Pops really never discussed the Alzheimer's or what was happening to them.  Alzheimer's doesn't afflict an individual, it afflicts a family.  She is just as impacted by the disease as he is.  In some ways, more.  The family found out about his Alzheimer's through his doctor.  He had been told by the doctor.  But, everyone was scared of his reaction to finding out the doctor had told us.  So, for many months, we knew he had Alzheimer's and he knew he had Alzheimer's.  But, he didn't know we knew.  When it finally got to the point where we had to confront him, the rational man that we all had known was gone.  His doctor (who was also Margaret's doctor) never discussed Alzheimer's in any depth.  In fact the one time he mentioned it to her, he used the phrase "a touch of Alzheimer's" which is the only phrase Ty's father ever used when he mentioned the disease.  His sister who lay in a comatose state had Alzheimer's.  He only had a "touch".  I think he probably knew what was going to happen to him.  But, Margaret never put it together.  We tried to get counseling for her from the Alzheimer's Association.  But, she was afraid he would find out and didn't really take advantage of it.  We sent stuff for her to read. But, she doesn't learn that way.  I asked her if anyone, over the course of the last couple of years had sat down with her and told her what to expect, if Pops had ever had that talk with her and she said "No.  No one.".  The first real talk she had about the prognosis was just several weeks ago with her (and his) new doctor.  Every time she would go to a doctor's visit, she'd ask- hopefully "Do you think I'll ever be able to bring him home again?"  What they probably thought she meant by that was "Will I be able to bring him home and nurse him?" But, what she was really asking was "Is there a chance he'll recover?"  Finally, the new doctor sat down beside her, took her by the hand and dashed her hopes.
As I look at her I realize she is not a woman of science.  She's a woman of faith.  She doesn't understand the progression of the disease, how it's eating away at his brain which is where his memories are held, his speech is formed, his power of reasoning comes from.  She doesn't understand that once that brain tissue has been destroyed it won't ever come back.  She's been praying daily for a miracle. She believes that God can do anything, including bring her Felton back to her.  In spite of everyone telling her, gently, that is not going to happen, I still think she holds out some hope.
One bright spot of the weekend. Ty and Michelle (her sister) went to see Pops on Friday.  As it's been described to me, he rarely speaks in complete sentences anymore.  He sometimes will blurt out something no one can understand and he randomly says "Margaret" or Shell (Ty's sister).  But, on Friday, he recognized Ty and Shell as his daughters and even showed signs of his old feisty nature. Ty kept feeling his body because he's completely emaciated and she wanted to tell for herself just how thin he is.  She also was rubbing his head.  He blurted out "Stop rubbing my damn head.  You've done it three times already."  Ty burst out laughing, grateful for a glimpse of her Dad back.
As we left Springfield, I wondered just how many more trips we'd make back there.  Margaret plans to move to an apartment in town.  So, I'm sure we'll continue to visit her.  But, it's sad to know that I have far less trips in front of me to the home on Lincoln Park Road than I have trips behind me.
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Friday, June 4, 2010

Journey to Insanity

Insanity... maybe you've seen the infomericial.  It's more likely you've heard of P90X.  Both are extreme workout programs that promise amazing results.  Insanity says they'll give you a new body in 60 days.  P90X says they'll give you one in 90.  I saw the infomercials for both and decided that maybe I'd give one of them a shot.  I'm skeptical of all infomercials that makes claims that are too good to be true. But, I thought if I get even half the results they promise, it'll be money well spent.  When deciding whether to get Insanity or P90X, I ended up making the decision to get Insanity because I thought it was less of a commitment.  It doesn't require any equipment (dumbbells or chin up bar) and it's only a 60 day program. I would later find out that of all of the crazy workout programs BeachBody (www.beachbody.com) has released, Insanity is actually the most intense and probably requires the greatest commitment.   The workouts are fairly short in the first month (30-45 minutes).  But, in the second month with combinations, they go up to as long as 90 minutes. The workouts are the most
intense thing I've ever done by a mile, including any classes I've taken at a gym or working with a trainer or whatever.  And, in doing my extensive research on the program (after I bought it), I heard
from person after person who had been through military training or intense sports training saying it is crazier than anything they've ever done before (well except for my friend's son who went through Navy Seal Training).


I was 48 years old when I decided to order Insanity.  I finished at 49 years old.  I felt I was in pretty decent shape.  Not great.  But, not too bad. Like a lot of people I put on weight over the holidays.  Early in 2009 year through diet and exercise, I had taken off the extra 10-15 pounds beer and a sedentary lifestyle had added to my body.  I hit my stationary bike, cut out the excess alcohol, ate right and within a couple of months was back down to close to the weight I wanted to be. I joined the gym in November 2009.  But, I've never been a gym kind of guy.  I went a few times and did what a lot of do who join gyms.  I went a few times.  Took a spinning class here and there.  Hit the weights a bit.  Messed around on the machines.  But, with no real "program" to follow results from the gym have never been fantastic for me.  I've been a member of a gym on and off for 25 years.  I find I go for a while and then always fade to the point where I realize I haven't been in months and drop the membership. The results from the gym have always been "so-so" at best.  I did better when I had a bench and weights at home.  But, that's been over 13 years ago.  Over the holidays of 2009, I put back on all the weight I had lost earlier in the year.  I found myself up to 203 at the beginning of the year.   At 6'2" that was more than I wanted to weigh, particularly since the weight was not in the places I wanted it to be.  Most of it was hanging around my waist like a spare tire.  So, in the course of a couple of months,  I recommitted to the exercise bike (like I had done the year before) and took off about five or six pounds.  I was 197 when I started Insanity on April 5, 2010. 

Day 1 with Insanity


When I got the Insanity program, I read through the materials with all the warnings about "Don't do this if yo have a heart condition, bad knees, bad shoulders, etc., etc.". and the "No, we really mean
it".  I thought "Great marketing hype".  I really appeals to people who want to feel they can do something other people can't do (me).  Well, when I put in the first DVD and started the Fitness Test, I realized this was no marketing hype and no joke.  The warm up for Insanity is about 10 minutes and it will "kick your butt".  The Fit Test consists of eight exercises where you do as many reps as you can in a minute.  I got through the Fit Test OK.   But, my results were nothing like the two "machines" Shaun T. (your trainer for Insanity) had doing the program with him. After taking the test for the next several times my results improved dramatically (much more than I would ever have imagined- see
results section below).

The next day I actually tried an Insanity workout I thought "Uh oh.  I think I made a mistake ordering this program".  The exercises themselves were difficult enough.  But, the pace is what kills you. Even during the non-cardio days of the program, everything is done at a frantic pace. I decided to stick with the program.  But, I had to swallow my ego.  I found myself trying to keep up with Shaun T. and the
people on the video.  No way.  I finally figured out that Insanity is designed to push you to your point of exhaustion.  Everyone's point will be a little different.  But, you will hit it while doing Insanity.  I realized the point was not to keep up with them but to do my personal best and to push that limit a little
more every time I did a workout.  One of the great things about Insanity is that if you're not realizing that you're getting better from the workouts themselves, you will see it when you take the Fit Tests.  Since you're exhausting yourself every time through the program it never really feels like it's getting easy or even easier.


Insanity Month 1

The first few days of doing Insanity I was sore ALL OVER.  My calves, my feet, my quads, my hamstrings, my abs, my shoulders, my upper and lower back and my triceps.  Insanity pretty much hits
your entire body.  You are working out body parts you don't even realize you are working at the time.  The soreness was the good kind of soreness for the most part.  The only problem I experienced in Month 1 was sore knees.  First my right knee swelled up.  This was sometime during week one.  Then, my left knee swelled during week 2-3.  The swelling was manageable by icing my knees.  I also bought some compression braces (not sure if those helped or hurt). I did not experience pain while working out.  My self-diagnosis is the pain is in the tendons around the knee and may have been caused by improper form on the lunges in the first few weeks. The pain did not get worse during my 9 weeks of Insanity.  It would be better on some days than others.  But, it never got unbearable to the point where I couldn't finish my workouts.


I got on the scale a couple of times during the first couple of weeks.  I'd be down a pound or two or the same.  After the second week, I did a lot of reading of what results people were getting during the early part of the program.  While some people saw weight loss almost immediately, it seems most people did not.  I'm sure it depends a lot on what you actually need to lose in terms of fat.  If you have a lot of excess weight, I think it comes off more quickly.  While you are doing Insanity you've got two competing things going on.  You are burning body fat.  But, you're putting on muscle.  Some people actually gain weight during the first couple of weeks of the program.  The advice is overwhelming to just keep "pushing Play".  I saw very few people who completed the program and were not happy with the results.  I say stay off of the scales during the program.  If you feel you need to measure your progress there are three ways I'd recomomend.  The first is take pictures of yourself before you start and refer to those pictures.   The second is to pay attention to the way your clothes fit.  The third is to take measurements of your waist, chest, arms, thighs, etc.  I did the pictures.  But, I did not take measurements. The only area I was interested in reducing was my waist and I can easily measure that by the way my pants fit.  No need for a tape measure.


My results for Month 1 were acceptable.  Looking in the mirror I saw some increased definition in my abs and I could tell the love handles were going away.  There was also more definition in my chest and arms.  But, the results in the mirror were not dramatic by any means in the first 30 days.  My pants started fitting looser, also. But, the best measures of my progress was my heart rate during the workouts was not getting as high and was dropping faster when I rested.  And, I made some pretty impressive (to me) gains on the Fit Tests. I made progress with the work outs themselves. They started being something I could barely get through; I actually quit one workout with about 15 minutes
to go during the first or second week.  I was just done and saw no point in watching the rest of the DVD while I sucked air sitting on the couch.  By the end of the month, I was completing the workouts easily.

Now this does not mean I got through the workouts without stopping.  But, I got through them without pressing Pause (which I did a few times in the first weeks) and I got all the way through them.  The DVDs instruct you to take breaks when needed and I did. But, the breaks became shorter and shorter and I took fewer of them.

Recovery Week

After the first week of the craziness, you are blessed with what Shaun T. calls a "Recovery Week".  Don't let the name fool you. While you're not beating your body up the way you do during the first month there is still plenty of opportunity to get your heart rate up and to work your muscles. The cardio is less intense and there is not as much jumping around. The recovery week gives you just enough of a break to feel like you can actually make it another four weeks. 


Month 2

Month  1 is spent working up to Month 2 where the idea is you do "Max Interval" training.  That is you go as hard as you possibly can for three minutes (doesn't sound like much? wait 'til you're in it).
After that three minutes, you get a 30 second break where your heart rate should come back down. As soon as it does, you're off for the next three minutes.  During the first workout of Month 2 I felt like I
was right back where I was the first week of Month 1. Lost and all alone.  When Month 1 was
over I thought "Hmmm.... I don't know if I'm ready for Month 2."  I had definitely gotten better.  But, I still couldn't make it through the DVDs without breaks (no one can- BTW.  The fitness freaks doing the video with Shaun T. can't make it through the routines).  I caught some of their occupations while doing the routines- fitness instructor, spinning instructor, one guy runs marathons.  This becomes more apparent in Month 2 when even the evil inventor of the program (Shaun T.) takes breaks.  Poor Akeel
drops out routinely and Shaun T. takes special notice to torture him during one of the tougher workouts alternately telling the guy to dig deeper and "take a break if you need a break".  Finally, Akeel
succumbs "I need a break!".  New, more advanced moves are introduced in Month 2.  It's a good thing my daughter was in the room the first day I did Max Interval Circuit (after taking a Fit Test the same day).  Otherwise, I would have cussed Shaun T. out good.  As it was Shaun T. got a lot of "You can't be serious." from me.  The length of the routines is kicked up and the intensity is kicked up at the same time.  I felt like I must have skipped the middle part of the program that was supposed to take me from the introductory level up to the advanced level of Month 2.  During Month 2, the body changes accelerated.  The weight loss I had was mostly in Month 2. But, since I stayed off of the scale from week 2 to the end, I don't know exactly how the 9 pounds I lost were spread out through the 60 days.   I didn't think my Fit Test results would continue to improve because I felt like I had pretty much pushed to my limits already. But, I was wrong.  The Fit Test results continued to
improve.

Diet


Insanity comes along with a very detailed diet plan that allows you to calculate how man calories you'll need based on your age, weight, sex, height and current weight.  It takes into account the level of
activity you'll be doing with Insanity and suggests shooting for a 500 calorie deficit which will allow you to lose a pound a week. All of these thigns are approximate.  One thing that is annoying about
trying to lose weight is everything I've been reading has said if you eat too few calories, you'll impede your weight loss.  That's right.  Too many calories will cause you to gain weight. But, too few calories and your body reacts to the idea that it thinks you're trying to starve it by reducing your metabolism so you burn fewer calories.  I'm not much for special diets.  They are way too much work. What I did during my time on Insanity was to double my normal efforts of eating healthy.  I cut out all alcohol with the exceptions of maybe a couple of glasses of wine at a party or a happy hour here and there.  I watched calories as much as practical.  One way I found that makes it easy to control my calorie intake is to eat a Lean Cuisine, Kashi or Healthy Choice meal for lunch.  I made sure to eat every few hours never going more than three hours or so without a small snack to keep my metabolism revved up.  For the first couple of weeks I tracked my calories using www.myfitnesspal.com (I highly recommend that site).  I found that when I ate healthy it was difficult to get up to the recommended 2,500+ calories recommended for me.  I made my own fruit smoothies using protein powder (Muscle Millk from Costco), soy milk or fruit juice, bananas, frozen strawberries and frozen blueberries. I avoided added sugar foregoing cookies, ice cream, cake, etc.   I'm a chocoholic (and chocolate is good for the
heart).  So, to satisfy my chocolate craving, I buy small pieces of dark chocolate bagged and individually wrapped.  I would allow myself a couple of pieces a day and incorporate those calories into my overall plan for the day.


I may have gotten better results using the recommended diet. But, I didn't find that practical when eating in a family setting.  The way I ate during Insanity is a way I can pretty much sustain when I'm
done with the program.  I have to allow myself some "cheat days" because good food and a little alcohol in social settings is an big part of enjoying life for me. I made sure I ate "clean" at least six days a week while on Insanity.


The Good and the Bad About Insanity

First the bad about Insanity.  It's definitely not for every one.  If you're not willing to push yourself you're not going to get results. But, that's true of any exercise program.  A friend of mine when
he found out I was doing Insanity said "He (Shaun T.) can't make you do what he says.  Why are you putting yourself through that?"  No Shaun T. can't.  But, I broadcast it to the entire world (Facebook and on the BeachBody website) that I had begun this program and I snapped those "before" pictures.  Every day I thought about the fact that I was a day closer to having to snap the "after" pictures.  And I knew if I quit everyone would know.   Those things helped keep me motivated.


Insanity involves a lot of plyometrics (jumping around and explosive moves) that are hard on your
joints.  Starting the program at 48 years old may not have been the wisest decision I ever made.  I had zero knee problems before Insanity and both my knees were sore during most of the 9 weeks.
I also felt an old shoulder injury start to flare up just a bit in the last two weeks.  My heel got a little sore at one point.  And, in the last couple of days, my left hip has hurt just a bit.  Nothing unbearable.  But, after 60 days, the old body's saying "Maybe it's time for a little break".


Another thing about Insanity is because they are trying to get results so quickly the program involves working out six days out of seven for nine weeks. There are days they call recovery days and even a
recovery week. But, recovery is a relative term. Month Two you start combining workouts more and you actually work out on your Fit Test days.  I have about 1/3 of an acre lot which I mow by hand which is a little workout itself (and the grass didn't stop growing during Insanity). So, I ended up doing a lot of doubles the second month.  I stopped riding my stationary bike during the program.  This is a grueling schedule both mentally and physically.  My legs have been in varying stages of soreness for the last 9 weeks- not just the kees, the calves and at times my thighs have felt rock hard the day after a quadricep intense workout. 


Insanity is not a primarily a body building program.  You probably won't pack on a lot of muscle doing Insanity. If you're a guy looking to beef up, Insanity is not the program for you.  Without a chin up bar and bands there is only so much you can do for your biceps and back.  There was almost no bicep work.  The first month I complained there was not enough upper body work (I stopped that complaint during the second month when we did every kind of push up known to man).    You will put on some muscle doing Insanity and muscle is more dense than fat.

Insanity is not primarily a weight loss program. While you're peeling off the goo, if you've haven't done any strength training (like me) in a long time, you're likely to be putting on muscle at what could
be a comparable rate.  If you like to watch the scale for results it's likely you'll get discouraged in the first weeks.  I joined a support group to get through Insanity (on the BeachBody message boards).  The group was mostly women and a lot of them had a hard time not watching the scales during the program.  I had set a goal (arbitrarily) to take off 12-15 pounds.  After completing Insanity
I realized that goal was way too high.  Taking off the 9 pounds that I did was probably about right.


Now the good about Insanity.  Insanity will improve your cardiovascular endurance.  Also the plyometrics will probably improve your speed, ability to jump and other sports related skills.  You'll probably improve your flexibility and balance also.   There is a lot of stretching in Insanity and a fair amount of balance moves. If you're looking to improve your overall fitness, Insanity is great. Personally I couldn't care less about the plyometrics (speed and quickness moves) and I think those are probably responsible for majority of my joint (knee) problems during Insanity. 


Another thing I love about Insanity and the BeachBody programs in general is they don't involve any (or much) equipment and you don't need a gym membership to get great results.  I find when I go to
the gym I don't know exactly what to do to maximize my results for the time spent there.  I found myself thinking about hiring a trainer to help me develop a program. Well, for less than $150 I had a trainer in my home every day telling me exactly what to do, how to do it and pacing me.  Shaun T. is a great trainer, just the right mix of cheerleader and drill sergeant.  Watching the guys in the video
gave me a goal to shoot for everyday (getting my body to look like theirs). I had people doing the workouts along with me to keep me motivated to keep up.  I got a wall calendar to check off my
workouts and knew if I skipped a day, I wouldn't get that check mark.  For me, it's not about knowing just the moves to make to get fit. But, having the pacing and the schedule planned out for me made my workouts extremely efficient.  I knew from the time I pushed "Play" to the time I pushed "Stop" I'd be getting maximum results from every second.  I'm really busy and I hate the time wasted driving back and forth to the gym and the time spent at the gym trying to decide what to do next and getting from here to there.  With Insanity, I get my cardio and my strength training at the same time and I'm not piddling around between exercises.

Results

During the 9 weeks of Insanity I lost about 9 pounds.  Not bad.  But, certainly not dramatic over 9 weeks.  The experts say when you're trying to lose weight you should aim for a pound or two a week.  I was on the low end of that number in terms of pure weight loss.  But, while I didn't take body fat measurements, I am certain that I put on muscle mass during the time I was doing Insanity.  I would guess I lost maybe up to twice that amount of fat and ended up putting on some of the weight in muscle.  I went to the doctor about two weeks into Insanity and told her what I was doing.  After she got done telling me how crazy I was to be trying Insanity at my age, she told me that I really didn't need to lose any weight.  She said maybe about 5 pounds from where I was at the the time.  Ideal weight charts are all over the place telling me I should weigh anywhere between 160 pounds (ridiculously skinny for someone my height) and 195 pounds.  My doctor told me if I was going to do Insanity to do it for my heart, not to lose weight.  I decided that, if at the end of Insanity my clothes fit the way I liked and I liked the way I looked I would accept that as my "ideal weight".   I completed
Insanity at 187.8 pounds (again I started at 197).   My waist size has gone from being pretty
snug in 34s to my 33s are now loose and I've got a pair of 32s that are really comfy.  I'd say I lost about 2 inches off of my waist.


Here are my Fit Test Results:



Each exercise is as many as you can get done in a minute. Everyone does them a little differently.  So to compare yours to someone else's might not make the most sense.  If your form is consistent from week to week you can compare your own numbers to see how you are improving.



fit test results





Per Cent Improvement

Switch
Kicks

172%

Power
Jacks

83%

Power
Knees

170%

Power
Jumps

83%

Globe
Jumps

83%

Suicide
Jumps

200%

Push
Up Jacks

150%



Low Plank Obliques

169%




A picture is worth 1,000 words.


I don't know how well you can see it in the pictures.  I don't have great lighting in my bathroom. But, I've got abdominal definition showing through, I've trimmed off a lot of the love handles, my deltoids and trapezius muscles are improved, my chest is more defined, my triceps are more defined and I see improvement in my lats.  My wife told me my calves are more defined. 



before and after



insanity before and after



insanity before and after

insanity after




Overall Impression and What's Next

Some people have had amazing transformations in the 60 days of Insanity.   In some ways I would call my results amazing.  The fit test results are definitely amazing. The strength improvement in my abs I couldn't believe. The first time I tried the Cardio Abs workout, I could barely do the exercises.  My abs were so weak I felt like I got almost nothing out of it because I simply could not do the exercises as they were designed.  But, by the last time I did it, I was able to keep up with the people in the video.  I'm not 100% where I want to be.  But, I think maybe I'm 30 days away.  The other BeachBody
programs I've looked at are 90 days and a lot of the results come in those last 30 days.   I'm not sure why they decided to make Insanity a 60 day program.  My guess is because it's so intense you need a
break after 60 days of doing it.  About two weeks out from finishing the program, I found some old pictures of me from 20 years ago back when I was more active and was lifting weights regularly. I think my body is actually better now than it was then.  My abs are better now than they were then.
Compared to where I was 60 days ago, the outside transformation is pretty big- not as big as I had hoped. But, as big as I expected.  I took these pictures two days before I actually finished the program and since then I've lost another pound and the abs may be a teeny, weeny bit more defined.   I feel stronger in my "core".  I don't have that six pack (it's just starting to peek through) or the really ripped look.  I'm no Shaun T.  But, at the end of Insanity, I can say  am ready for more.  I have P90X and will start it after a break of a week.  And, I have plans to see Shaun T. again in September.

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